28 December, 2007

Why Should I Be Caring Right Now?

Someone explain the world's fascination with celebrities to me.

Seriously, I don't get it, they're famous so suddenly we need to know that they stole a cigarette lighter from a gas station? If a normal person did that we'd wonder what the big fucking deal is, but if Britney Spears does it we get interviews with the gas station owner, Britney Spears and her agent.

Fuck that.

How about instead of making a big deal about people who are complete trash like Britney, Lindsay and Paris, because they didn't wear panties and a hoard of cameramen that follow them to make big money selling the pictures to shitty magazines that feed on the hysteria of fame, how about we try doing that to normal people and seeing how the world takes it.

Logically there's no real reason to care more about someone who's father owns a multibillion dollar hotel empire than someone who's father mooched off of the government his whole life? If the resulting child is as much a complete waste of oxygen, why should there be any difference between the entertainment provided by the publication of the two people's lives?

I actually don't have anything against celebrities, there are some out there that I think genuinely aren't douchebags. Mainly the ones that don't feed into this gossipy world and try to hide from it, who are then in turn ridiculed by the gossipers for wanting some fucking privacy. What gives these whoremongery parasites the right to assume they can invade a person's privacy and publicise it to the world? And furthermore by what logical reason do they assume that people should care other than the reason that they tell people they should care (and thus they do for some stupid reason).

It just baffles the mind.

There was an article in the free newspaper/rag that gets handed out around Brisbane (it's called mX and I think most Aussie cities are infected with it's worthlessness) which actually listed the "celebrities of the year"

The winner was Britney, runner up was Anna Nicole Smith, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan were on the list somewhere as well. Having seen all the useless bullshit printed about these people, the only thing I can see that they used to determine "best" celebrity was the one they were able to make the most money out of publishing their faults, because they definitely haven't done anything worthwhile in recent memory. . . actually I can't think of anything they've done ever that's worth making note about and I'm really struggling. Being a failure as a mother, committing suicide, being in a craptcular porno and turning from a "wholesome" girl to a coke addicted whore. . . that's what I seem to associate with these people. Nothing out there about them makes me think of them as anything worthwhile or anywhere near classifying as "best" at being anything.

Oh, and before anyone feels to point out the hypocrisy of me knowing anything about these celebrities, I know because this shit is force-fed into the media and mainstream culture, resulting in it being unavoidable to know something about these people. I'm sure you're all aware of it too, I probably wouldn't need to list names and you'd still be able to know who I'm talking about.

In conclusion, I too want people to just leave Britney alone.

27 December, 2007

Writer's Block

Generally I update this little blog when I have an idea stuck in my mind and feel like writing about it to kill some time.

But right now, I'm sitting on nothing that really fits this blog and unfortunately I know exactly why.

You see, that last entry I made which mentioned the whole "writing a book" thing actually stuck with me, except writing a book that is an extended version of this blog just isn't interesting. Sure it might have a few things that people would enjoy but overall a lot of it would be complete and utter trash. Knowing this, I had to think of a better way to try my hand at writing a book and instead of this extended rant thing I thought maybe a more standard novel would be more fun.

Getting something published would be a complete nightmare and I doubt there would even be any point, but I'm not above mental masturbation. I would gladly write and entire novel and not show it to anyone just so that I knew I could do it.

The fact that I know I'm a bad writer means that I know the odds of me showing it off after it's done is pretty slim.

Anyhow, I did have a point I kinda wanted to make this time, even if I am devoid of my usual material and that point has to do with Bunny Puppy. I'm sure most of the people who venture here are aware of Bunny Puppy, but for those that don't remember, I used to do a little comic with a toy named Bunny Puppy that looked a little like this:

Clicky Clicky

As you can see, it relies more on cuteness than my artistic ability, but nonetheless there has been quite a bit of demand for BP to make a return.

This combined with my fascination with Terry Pratchett's characterisation of Death gave me an interesting idea for a story that I can actually turn into something worth reading. Of course, I don't want to copy the Discworld Death, that would be plagiarism, but the actual character of Death is just a goldmine and there are so many ways it can be taken that when combined with Bunny Puppy and my own natural need be negative or "realistically cynical" does seem to be an interesting mix.

Now I just need to learn how to write a story and I'm going to really do this.

It also means that in order to come up with ideas I may do BP comics (which I did kinda promise would return next year) again. But that does require me getting Photoshop back so it may be difficult to pull that bit off.

All in all, I have me some grand plans ahead, none will probably ever come to fruition, but it's enough to keep me occupied.

19 December, 2007

Nobody Reads This

It's annoying, I write this blog and I'm sure that I have some readers out there who have stumbled across my ramblings, but I can't tell and from all the evidence I have right now, nobody actually bothers to read this.

Makes me wonder, are my opinions just that pointless? Do I go on too much without having a clue why and illicit the good old "tl;dr" response? Or do I have a bajillion readers and nobody wants to comment?

It's a weird little conundrum because I've been thinking that it would be amusing to write a book on the same lines as this blog. A couple hundred pages of opinion, backed by faulty reason and pop-culture references. In terms of marketability I think there's something to it, there are people out there who will read anything if they think it benefits them in some way, so if I played it off as a explanation of the thinking of a "child of the internet" it could probably sell to the older generations who want to understand their kids. Of course, everyone else can just go read a better written blog for free, but who cares about them?

Now, I'd never actually bother to write a book like that unless a publisher approached me with a big sack of cash, but I do think that there is some merit to the idea even if I'm probably not the best person to execute it.

Which brings me back to point, I don't know if anyone reads this so all I have to work from here is assumptions on what I think the response is. This book idea could be a source of millions or it could be completely stupid.

On the other hand though, the only reason I ever started doing this was to waste time rambling on about subjects that I felt like talking about. An open-ended rant with no purpose or direction other than to see how far my brain takes it and to possibly entertain a few people who are more cynical than I am and are amused by the fact that my views are stupid, bias and devoid of reason.

In short people, if you're reading this blog, let me know. It may not be well advertised, the views of the writer may be moronic and excessively long, but sometimes it's nice to know that I'm not completely anonymous and wasting my time.

That being said, I realise that asking for feedback defies the original purpose of this blog, but this book idea. . . I really want to see something published with the title "LAWL BEWBIES!" and anything that even hints that could be a reality would amuse me.

16 December, 2007

Why Do I Bother?

I don't get clubbing.

Every time I go I end up having a pretty dull time, and lose a lot of money paying for overpriced drinks and the inevitable taxi ride home.

There are just so many things about clubbing that just don't work for me, matter of fact, if it wasn't for the scantily clad women dancing and the alcohol, I probably wouldn't have bothered even considering going clubbing ever. Oddly enough, a lot of things about clubbing are just plain fucked up.

Let's start with the obvious.

Dancing

I hate dancing. With a passion.

Not only do I completely suck at it, but I think it's a completely pointless exercise that would be considered completely retarded if you took it out of context. Think about it, you've got a group of people making somewhat random movements to music (although a lot of the time it's not in time to the music, especially in cases like mine) that would look absolutely stupid if done independently. Especially the whole shuffling thing.

Although the pants guys wear whilst shuffling are highly amusing, but that's another issue for another rant.

A lot of people who can dance manage to look like complete pricks whilst doing it too. When I last went clubbing (on Friday night) there was this one guy who made a habit of standing in the middle of the dancefloor and pointing at the DJ booth for no apparent reason for some period of time. Then you have the guy who had the orange shirt who was obviously high on something, or the three girls in what was essentially their underwear and a cropped little tutu. . . thing who got onto the raised platforms at the same time and started dancing together.

Okay, they didn't look like pricks, but it was definitely worth mentioning as a weird little event.

Then there's the music.

The majority of the time it's half-assed remixes of shitty pop/hip hop music that listening to is only slightly better than sticking an ice pick repeatedly up my nose. The rest of the time it's some weird techno shit I just don't get. I guess it's unreasonable to expect to hear Sonata Arctica in a club, but seriously . . . damn.

There's a reason the only time I listen to the radio is when there's nothing else whatsoever to listen to, and even then I listen to Triple J so I don't have to put up with the complete and utter shit that plays on most commercial radio stations, even if a few things manage to sneak onto Triple J that suck as much, if not more than shit on stations like Nova.

Then there's the whole socialising thing. I just don't understand how people are able to socialise properly in a nightclub when it's so loud in there you can barely hear what's being said. I'm sure an experienced nightclub goer might be able to comprehend the complexities of conversing in a place like that, but more I think it's just a lot more likely that conversational skills are not what people are looking for. Seeing as I much prefer a girl who can talk about topics that interest me, or at least talk about topics in a way that interests me, seems a little hard for me to see how my normal methods of approach exactly work.

Actually, they don't work outside of nightclubs either, but there is slightly less failure outside of nightclubs.

Throw in various complaints about taxis sucking and you get the general gist of why I hate clubbing. Maybe I should try something else that's slightly more enjoyable and also involves alcohol. How about I replace the venom in some cobras with tequila and see what happens? Sounds a lot less painful and probably has better music.

10 December, 2007

Fashion's Fight Against Common Sense

In my daily wanderings to and from work, I observe many things. A lot of them baffle me.

Right now the one that baffles me the most is how many fashion trends just don't make sense. They look bad and look incredibly uncomfortable or at the least inconvenient.

The most obvious current example of this is the standard "fashionable" approach to belts. Instead of using them as a practical little tool to keep your pants from slipping down and revealing far too much ass crack, I tend to see a lot of women parading about with hipster jeans and if they're wearing any belt, it's up somewhere around their mid-riff like some sort of giant leather waistband. The kicker is that when these women bend over/sit down/take any action, their pants slip down, revealing a very unsexy portion of their ass crack, or at the very least a less than spectacular view of their underwear.

I even spied one girl who had take this to the extreme, wearing hipster jeans and a way too small tank top, showing off her somewhat podgy midriff. In the middle of her midriff there was a huge belt. So her clothes went something like this: top - inch of flesh - giant belt - inch of flesh (including ass crack) - pants.

So very not sexy.

Another one that baffles me is puffy shoulders on shirts. That doesn't look cute or nice or anything it just looks stupid. There's no practical reason why it's bad (unlike the belt trend) but really, puffy sleeves just aren't for the win.

Yet another strange fashion trend that simply looks stupid but isn't exactly impractical is those skirts women tend to wear that instead of stopping at a logical place like the hips or waist, go either to the bust line or in most cases, stop somewhere up along the lady's ribs. The part that really gets me about this one is that it looks like they've gotten into a long skirt and decided they wanted to show off some thigh. . . so just kept pulling the thing up until they were showing enough leg.

These are usually coupled with thick straps to hold it in place, so it's more of a design flaw than user-end stupidity. But the thick straps only add to the retarded nature of that look if you ask me, making them look like a dress/overalls combination (and we all know overalls are the height of fashion) where the wearer has decided to tighten the straps as much as possible so that if they were wearing traditional overalls, they would have a gigantic wedgy.

Don't even get me started on anything emos wear. That's just too easy of a target, especially those long net glove things.

Men are not exempt from stupid fashion trends, although luckily because out clothes tend to boil down to shirt plus pants, it means that there is a lot less variations that lead to retardation.

The most obvious target (as obvious as emos and just as easy, but I feel it warrants mention anyhow) is anyone out there who hangs their pants below their ass. I don't want to see people's $2 KMart underwear and it really just looks like you were taking a dump and forgot to pull your pants back up afterwards. Moreover, I've tried this myself (in the spirit of inquiry) and discovered that it's incredibly uncomfortable because it feels like your pants are constantly falling down.

Only one thing can explain how that trend became popular though, because it's largely coupled with baggy pants, I believe that the reason a lot of moronic males wear their pants so low is because that is how far they fall before they can do up their belt to stop them going all the way off. It's the only reasonably explanation.

That or people who dress to fit fashion trends are complete and utter morons.

In other news, Bunny Puppy shall make his triumphant return in the near future. If I ever bother to get Photoshop again.

08 December, 2007

The Cake is NOT a Lie

I finally got around to beating Portal today.

I had bought it pretty much straight after it came out, then I heard rumours that it was damn short so a few hours in (as in 2 or 3) I decided to put it aside so I could "savour" the experience.

In reality, I completely forgot about it and moved on to other games. Then today I felt compelled to try beat it.

Very shortly afterwards, I was listening to the ever so brilliant Still Alive and considering myself a very happy man.

Now that I'm looking back on everything, there was a lot of well-deserved hype for this game. But there are some problems with the common perception of this game that I don't really agree with.

Well, there's really only one problem I have.

People complained that the game is so damn short and I know I've made a bit of a point of it too, but I don't think that it's really an issue of length because the pacing, atmosphere and general gameplay is just pure fuckwin awesome so making it longer can tinker with the awesome. It does seem to have a small problem of appearing like an extended tutorial, considering the way the levels are staged in manner that seems to back that up, without really being a tutorial. Sort of a "do it yourself" tutorial. Weird, but it works.

On the plus side, looks like there's more to come, so I'm just thinking of this as the build up to the second one. But if the second one lacks GLaDOS or the various rat holes with "the cake is a lie" scrawled all over them in blood . . . or even a lack of Companion Cube, then there will be chaos, outrage and sheer bedlam!

There is one thing that really bugs me though.

Everyone seems to think that the cake is a lie.

I don't think the cake is a lie.

You may get *GIANT SPOILER* at the point you're meant to receive cake but pretty soon afterwards there is cake.

04 December, 2007

CIGARO CIGARO

I have a weird compulsion.

When it comes to video games I have some weird combination of ADD and OCD (without actually being like ADD or OCD, but it's fun to misapply labels). Games will either hold my attention to the point where I am actively completing every minor task possible or they don't and I toss them aside in seconds.

My approach towards gaming is just plain weird, I'll find a game, get completely and utterly hooked up to a point where it's almost an obsession. Then for no good reason I'll toss it aside and probably never touch it again. I can't explain it, it really doesn't make sense, but it does seem to apply that I have both a terribly short attention span and an addictive personality.

Of course, most common addictions don't seem to hold with me, I've tried two of the most common addictions out there (WoW and smoking) kinda enjoyed it and then moved on with my life vowing never to bother with that crap again. Yet you give me something like Pokemon or Trauma Center and they'll hold my attention until I've completely raped them of any further content.

This has some weird repercussions when it comes to choosing games to play, because of my need to compulsively do everything (until I'm bored) in a video game means that I prefer the games that have more little pointless tasks to complete. By default, this means Xbox 360 games thanks to the Achievements they offer. I've actively gone through a game solely with the intent of collecting achievements, admittedly enjoying the gameplay but my focus was not the plot or the "fun" but getting my grubby little gamerscore ever so slightly higher.

Which finally brings me back to the point that will hopefully explain the title.

Everything is a fucking dick measuring contest, as a society we are always actively seeking to prove that our metaphorical penises are larger than every other person out there. Oh you can say the spirit of competition is the boon of mankind, the spirit of invention and the driving force behind society, but that's a load of bullhonkey, those are all just excuses to justify people going out there and trying to prove that they are the big man because some number they have accumulated is larger then someone else's. Cars, phones, clothes, pretty much everything cosmetic, video games, sports, science, even charity and humanitarian work, everything is done in the pursuit of proving your own greatness.

Don't think females are exempt from this dick measuring contest thing either, just because it provides a disturbing image to most to think of it that way (and an even more disturbingly erotic image to a select few others), the term is mainly used to point out the ridiculousness of the practice. It's definitely not because I have some phallic fixation.

So, my solution to stopping all the pointless competition?

Free random sex for everyone.

If you can get laid any time, you wouldn't bother trying to exceed in life, you've already got everything you really want, which means that people can be left to focus on what they need.

That or spend the rest of their lives in a giant orgy.

Either way, it's all good.